Ask Me Anything – How to Become More Confident

I recently had a new friend on Instagram ask me about confidence and self-esteem, and I think that’s one of the most important things we can discuss… so here it goes.

Question: You’re so self-confident! How do you have such high self-esteem and how can I get it if it doesn’t come naturally to me?

Answer: Self-confidence is something that has always come naturally to me, and I firmly believe that it is due to intentional efforts of my family. We always joke in my extended family that there is NO WAY a kid growing up with us could have low self-esteem. In our family, the kids are the entertainment and stars of the show. My family has always made me feel like I’m the most special, talented, amazing person on the planet in their eyes and they do the same thing for every single “kid” in our family – yes, I’m in my 30’s and just called myself a kid… because in my family I still am one! It’s such a special time in my life now to see the other “kids” (my cousins) having their own kids and seeing all of us treat them the same way we were treated – with all adoration in the world. It doesn’t matter if it’s a “Let it Go” performance inspired by Frozen or a baby figuring out how to use a new toy… we’re going to be cheering them on with so much love.

I know not everyone has the same experience.. and while I think it’s EXTREMELY helpful and a privilege to grow up with a family who instills confidence in you… I do believe it’s possible to gain confidence over time on your own. I’ve spent a LOT of time away from my family (six years in New York and ten years in the corporate world) and have had to build my confidence in new situations many times.

Here are some things I’ve learned along the way:

• Focus on the good – What do you love about yourself… sure, physically but more importantly as a whole human being? There is something special and wonderful about every single person on the planet. Find your thing…. just one thing to start… and focus on accentuating that.
• Pursue your dreams and passions – A woman on a mission to make the world a better place doesn’t have much time or energy to worry about whether her butt is too big. When you focus your energies on areas where you excel, you’ll feel good about yourself and your capabilities. The more time you can spend on these passions, the happier and more confident you’ll be.
• Surround yourself with people who make you better and who love you for who you are – This doesn’t have to be family and this doesn’t have to be a LARGE group of people. Having one or two close, loving relationships can change everything. It can be a friend, a significant other, a co-worker, etc. Surrounding yourself with loved ones will help you see yourself in the positive light they see.
• Preparation is key – If you know you’ll be in a situation that makes you feel less confident, be sure you’re prepared to take it on. If you’re worried about your physical appearance, take a little extra time to fix up. Paint your nails, style your hair, spend an extra five minutes on your makeup or do whatever you think will make you feel your best. If you’re scared of public speaking, practice your presentation as many times as you need in order to be able to get through it with ease. If you’re going on a job interview for your dream job, learn everything you can about the company and industry, study the job description and think of all the ways your skills would allow you to excel in the tasks at hand, research all of the commonly asked interview questions and prepare answers for them.
• Fake it til you make it – yes, seriously. If you ACT confident for long enough, you’ll start to BE confident. Smile. Make eye contact. Laugh at yourself. Stand tall. Dress up. For example, I used to be terrified in “forced” networking scenarios like cocktail hours at conferences. Now, I make sure I touch up my lipstick, grab my business cards and work my way into the conversations around me. I still don’t ENJOY it, but I can get through it without much difficulty because I’ve found ways to portray the confidence I need to portray even when I don’t always feel it. I approach people with a smile, ask them questions about themselves, try to find common ground and then share with them about me as appropriate.
• Build up others – Always try to find the good in the people around you. Compliment people any chance you get. I think working on your own heart and being a source of love and positive energy will bring that positive energy back to you. If you’re a parent, a teacher, big sister, role model, etc. YOU have the opportunity to build that confidence in others – and that’s a beautiful thing!